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Monday, July 25, 2011

Lost Transcript of Rep. Boehner's Actual Speech



Good evening.  I’m John Boehner, and you may remember me as the most orange man in America.  I serve as Speaker of the whole House – of the members of both parties that you elect – but I try to pretend the Democratic members don’t exist.  These are difficult times in the life of our nation, which is at least half the fault of my inability to deal with the raving psychos that inhabit my party.   

Before I served in Congress, I ran a small business in Ohio, and my bringing this up only shows I don’t understand macroeconomics.  I was amazed at how different Washington DC operated than every business in America, possibly because I didn’t understand an institution that wasn’t actually a business and wasn’t only for the benefit of the people that run it.  Where most American businesses routinely borrow money on a regular basis, well I’m just going to ignore that fact and pretend that when the Government does so it is somehow wrong.

I’ve got news for Washington – the days of being allowed to actually have an economy are over.

President Obama came to Congress and requested business as usual – yet another routine increase in the debt limit – we in the House said, “not so fast.”  Probably because we are insane.  Here was the President, asking for the largest debt increase in American history, on the heels of the largest spending binge in American history.  Of course, I’m going to ignore the fact that the President wasn’t really responsible for that part because I’m really only looking to score points here.

Here’s what we got for that spending binge: a massive health care bill that most Americans wanted but I’m going to say they never asked for.  A stimulus bill that prevented an even worse recession, but that I am going to make fun of while staring at the ceiling.  And a national debt that was massively out of control before the current Administration took office, but that I am going to blame the President for because otherwise I might have to hold a member of my own party responsible for something.

The United States cannot default on its debt obligations.  The jobs and savings of too many Americans are at stake.  That is why the ability of the United States to repay its debts is the perfect thing to go all Dennis Hopper on and hold hostage. 

What we told the President in January was this: the American people will not accept an increase in the debt limit without significant spending cuts and reforms.  Of course, the only way this sentence actually makes any sense whatsoever is if I further explain that “the American People” is my name for my penis.  And over the last six months, we’ve done our best to convince the president to partner with us to do something dramatic to change the fiscal trajectory of our country…something that will redirect money away from those poor people and into the pockets of the people who paid for my re-election.

Last week, the House passed such a plan, and with bipartisan support.  It’s called the Cut, Cap, and Balance Act.  It CUTS and CAPS government spending, ensuring that the recession will be even more entrenched for the least fortunate among us, and paves the way for a Balanced Budget Amendment to the Constitution, which will prevent the government from ever doing things again.  Before we even passed the bill in the House, the President promised he would veto it, proving he actually cares about doing his job more than I do.

I want you to know I made a sincere effort to look like I made a sincere effort to work with the President without ever actually working with him.  I maybe even sobbed a little on camera.  I made a sincere effort to bring pure, distilled, undiluted crazy to the masses.  I gave it my all.

Unfortunately, the President would not take yes for an answer.  See how clever I was just there, turning around a Democratic talking point?  Look at me!  Even when we thought we might be close on an agreement, Eric Cantor’s demands changed and I blamed it on the President.  The President has often said we need a balanced approach, which I am obligated to oppose because I think Grover Norquist might castrate me if I imply that revenue is a thing the government can collect.

The President is adamant that we cannot make fundamental changes to our entitlement programs.  Now is the time in the speech where my staff advised me to pretend to actually be human, so I will say: As the father of two daughters, I know these programs won’t be there for them and their kids unless significant action is taken now.  The sad truth is that my party doesn’t want to compromise on anything ever, and we don’t even want those entitlement programs anyway, but I am going to say the problem is that the President wants a blank check even when he’s offering as much as $3 trillion in spending cuts.

You see, there is no stalemate in Congress – depending on what your definition of stalemate is.  The House has passed a bill to raise the debt limit with bipartisan support, and I am counting on you to not understand civics in the hope that you will think one house of Congress doing a thing makes it legitimate.  And this week, while the Senate is struggling to pass a bill that wasn’t conceived at the Mountains of Madness, we will pass another bill – because passing more bills obviously makes the idea better! 

Obviously, I expect that bill can and will pass the Senate, and be sent to the President for his signature, because my magic 8-ball told me so.  If the President signs it, the ‘crisis’ atmosphere that we created but that I am going to blame him for will simply disappear – along with our status as a first-world power.  And along with our economy.  The debt limit will be raised.  Spending will be cut by more than one trillion dollars, and a serious, bipartisan committee of the Congress will blah blah blah I said bipartisan and committee and you guys aren’t even listening anymore.  The individuals doing this work will not be outsiders, but elected representatives of the people, doing the job they were elected to as outlined in the Constitution, which I am only mentioning because I was told by Antonin Scalia that “Constitution” is a real magic spell of some sort.

This debate isn’t about President Obama and House Republicans…well, it is, because he isn’t a Republican, but I can’t admit that on national TV, can I?  It isn’t about Congress and the White House…it’s about what’s standing between billionaires and their God-given right to 0.1% more profit.

You know, I’ve always believed, the bigger the government, the smaller the people.  I’ve also always believed in useless platitudes.  And right now, we have a government so big and so expensive it’s doing some nebulous bad things that actually have nothing to do with the size of government but I am going to scare you with.  The solution to this crisis is not complicated; my party needs to learn macroeconomics, and possibly get some psychiatric evaluations for our members.  There is no symptom of our government more menacing than our debt.  Or possibly my tan.  Break its grip, and we begin to liberate our economy and our future.  I’m not sure if I’m talking about the government or myself and my tan there, and neither are you.

We are up to the task, and I hope President Obama will join us in this work.  And Eric Cantor too, that might help.

God bless you and your families, and God Bless America. (Because we’re really going to need His help if I have my way.)

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